Dog House

A young couple we know is getting married. My wife wondered if we should offer advice. I weighed in that if people truly wanted advice, they would ask - but they don’t. It’s hard to change. The age-old joke is that men marry women because they think they will never change - but they do. Women marry men because they think they will change - but they don’t .

I don’t think dogs change. That is a plus or a liability depending on how you look at it. It may be why their latin name is “Fido” because they are pretty much a known quantity. Case in point, my daughter’s dog came and kacked by my feet this morning while I was at my coffee. Because, you know, there is nowhere else to do it and of course it would be too much to ask for the dog to confine its business to the outside. 

The root of the problem: the dog ate somebody’s underwear… again. Because you know, nothing says “yummy” better than a pair of soiled unmentionables. The dog just couldn’t help itself. It’s the umpteenth time I know of, and this dog has twice been to the vet to get its stomach pumped. This fun little procedure only cost about $500 a pop.

I have told my daughter a million times that I would change places with her dog any day. The dog gets a sweet deal. In spite of its many infractions the dog always seems to come off as innocent.The dog will not listen - it’s allegiance is based on getting food and that’s it. The dog is actually guilty of all the things people dredge up to impugn cats. This dog invented the phrase “ask for forgiveness not permission” which means two things. Dogs are very, very sly and this dog specifically has a great talent for manipulation.  

I am a former paper boy so dogs have never been high in my estimation. Wearing dogs on your leg early on can do that. I do however have a grudging admiration for dogs’ ability to be canny. One dog on my route for example, waited for me every single day and had a different hiding spot every time. Though the dog harassed me relentlessly, once the owner showed up, the dog was always cut a break. It would laugh at me while the owner patted its head and cooed about how naughty-waughty her canine was. You can’t tell an owner anything about their dog. It will ALWAYS be forgiven. 

Men on the other hand don’t get such a free ride, which is why woman will occasionally dust off the “you always” and “you never” list. Get ready men. Rest assured your sins are not tossed away in that great sea of forgetfulness. Your spouse is keeping count just in case you forgot. 

What men and dogs share, is they both know about the dog house. One household I knew, the man was so familiar with the dog house that he made a wall plaque with the family names hung up on the side. When someone was bad, their name got hung inside the dog house of shame. The man who made the plaque saved everyone time and promptly hung up his own name inside which was I believe, his honourary spot. 

I am doing a logical syllogism based on this. 

A: Dogs don’t change
B: People love dogs and they will always be forgiven. 
C: Men don’t change either (I am told). 
D: Not changing is a virtue for man and beast.
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Just in case I am working on my next trick otherwise known as dog eyes. 
You have been forewarned.