Haka!

 Braaaua-ua-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-augh!!!

That’s my best imitation of a Haka, minus the visual and the movements. A Haka is a poetic challenge mixed with a dance, an all-purpose game-on, a celebration of life, and an invitation to fight to the death. It’s an I-Dare-You that shows you to be unafraid. It also can be a dance in honour and respect of a fallen comrade. Its overblown body theatre has been called exhilarating, beautiful and scary at the same time. 

Without context, the Haka is men dancing around displaying grotesque faces and aggressively thumping their chests in a way that makes hip-hop moves look positively wimpy by comparison. It’s done to celebrate New Zealand culture, at weddings, funerals, comencements and other festive occasions. Dial “HAKA” into the YouTube search engine and see what you get. You will be amazed. The Haka dance comes in handy because it seems to fit all occasions. It equally signals joy, defeat, zeal, and gusto. It’s a celebration of life and death wrapped up in a tiny dance. The dancer’s ability is tied up in the idea of maximizing their body presence and looking animated enough to be taken as dangerous and not worth fighting. In the original Maori version, body and face paint helps. There are even names for portions of the Haka dance. Bulging eyes is called the Pukana. Wagging the tongue is the Whetero. The wild hand gestulations are the Wiri and stomping feet, the Waewae. There is even a throat-slitting gesture in case your opponents did not get the idea. 

The Haka is a challenge and a show of strength to the enemy. If you want some entertainment, watch the New Zealand rugby team throw out their Haka, when they play France. It’s something you can’t rightly answer. You might even run away. I wonder what the French thought, having quickly folded when challenged in two world wars. 

Here are the original Maori words to the Haka dance. 

Ka Mate! Ka Mate! Ka ora! Ka ora!
Ka Mate! Ka Mate! Ka ora! Ka ora!
enei te tangata puhuru huru!
Nana nei I tiki mai!
Whakawhiti te ra!
A upa … ne! ka upa …ne!
A upane kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!

Here’s the same thing translated into English. 

I die! I die! I live! I live!
I die! I die! I live! I live!
This is the hairy man
Who fetched the sun
And caused it to shine again
One upward step! Another upward step!
An upward step, another… the sun shines!

It’s interesting that the song mentions the “Hairy Man”, a New Zealand mythological figure who embodies wild masculinity let loose. It’s channeling from a pretty vivid archetype. “Watch out bro; I am setting the wild man free.” It’s the nuclear “go nuts” option, hence the wild eye movements and the wagging tongue. It’s a dude summoning forth his elemental badass. 

Why would anyone want to look so scary? It’s because the best defense is a good offence. I suspect there is some historical precedent buried in Maori history, or more accurately the Morioris, a more ancient version of the same peoples. The Morioris lived in the Chatham Islands southeast of New Zealand. They lived a prosaic life in quiet, and they had taken a vow of non-violence. It sounds like a great example, but not in the way you might assume. It’s generally held out as a historical precedent of why it might be a bad idea to broadcast your unwillingness to fight. To NOT be a threat can go pretty hard on your well-being. 

In 1835 a warring tribe of Maoris visited the Islands in conquest, to make slaves, conquer, and steal resources. They began by killing and flaying a thirteen year old girl, whose corpse was displayed on a pole as a signal for what was to come. Still, the Morioris did not fight back and they were slaughtered, enslaved, and eaten. The Moriori Genocide still lives on in the minds of New Zealanders. It’s a constant reminder that presenting yourself as fierce is more likely to ensure peace than a vow to be passive no matter the cost. It takes into consideration the very real possibility that OTHER people may not want to be peacable along with you. 

And so New Zealanders practise the Haka routinely at all kinds of public rituals. It is synonymous with a small power who wants to remind the world that they are fierce, unconquerable, and not worth the trouble if you are in a mood to fight. If you think this is ridiculous, I invite you to watch a Haka dance and then decide if you want to take those guys on. The Haka spells out, “I am a MAN!” As a throw-down, it’s pretty hard to match. 

The Haka can also be considered overall good life advice, considering what happened in the Moriori Genocide. Jordan Peterson has pointed out that strong men can be capable of great good. They can protect and defend freedom and worthy ideas. Virtue requires discipline, courage and effort, whereas weak men can easily be prone to evil and vice. It’s something to think over, that show of strength. Take that one in the eyeball, toxic masculinity people. 

I have to say, it’s pretty interesting what people can come up with for national rituals, and perhaps more interesting, where those rituals come from. There is nothing quite like the Haka in the world. It’s so cultural that teachers pass it on to their students in Kindergarten. Although its roots are Maori, no one worries about the colour of your skin. The Haka is all-inclusive for New Zealanders. Come on kids, it’s GOOD to be scary. And to think that at the same age we were made to stand still during God Save the Queen and morning announcements… I am supremely jealous.