That’s right folks. Just three easy payments…
It’s like the Groundhog Day movie in December because it happens to me every year. I think “Oh God, what am I going to buy my wife for Christmas?” She’s particular, thrifty and hard to buy for. Chances are she will exchange your gift for one of better quality and lower price, or simply return it altogether. The worst thing you could do is show up with something that does not represent value for money.
And so I hear the commercials and look at the ads for this year’s version of the magic pan that won’t stick. That’s right. This year all over again, we get THE pan, the one that will last forever… PROMISE. Every housewife will want one.
Let me parse this in terms of family life. We tend to go through a lot of pans. We try so hard to use plastic egg flippers, wooden stir sticks, and to stay away from coarse abrasives that will damage the teflon surface. You are not supposed to put cold water on the teflon if it’s hot. Doing so will void the warranty.
And so I hear the same promises all over again, “Guaranteed not to stick, to scratch etc…. if you follow the manufacturer’s instructions…” Except that is impossible. Every year we follow the manufacturer’s instructions and every year we end up with scratched pans that begin to stick, and eventually you have to scrape harder and harder to remove the cooked residue of food. Finally your pans will be shot to hell and you will be scraping them down with the worse abrasives just like any other pan.
And then December arrives and we are regaled again with the ONE pan that promises NOT TO STICK, EVER. And just in time for Christmas... imagine!
I feel like Charlie Brown with the football. The fact is enough people buy those pans every year to make it a lucrative business. To be blunt, if the pan really WAS non-stick, you would have no need to replace it come December. They must take us for idiots and chances are they are right.
It’s in the nature of people to hope, and to call for a promise up against that hope. We demand promises in daily life. Think wedding vows, mortgages, leasing contracts et cetera. You promise to do this, and we’ll promise to do that. What you DON’T want to be left with is a promise that is all one sided. I wonder about those kind of hollow promises. You just hope and hope that THIS time they are telling you the truth.
They say that the large print giveth but the fine print taketh away. It may be true everywhere except scripture. Scripture is a deep well because it’s stock and trade is promises. If there were no promises, there would be no point in reading them. They are in some way related to the non stick pan. The scripture lists out a kind of no-fault warranty that applies to everybody, without any fine print.
More than all that, this promise comes without a price tag. That’s right. Free people. Just in case you thought the deal wasn’t sweet enough, how does FREE sound to you?
It sounds too good to be true. You’d have to be a real idiot to take that promise at face value. But sized up against the yearly promise of the magic plan, I might be willing to take my chances.